Definitions

This page has been created to clarify what the hell I'm talking about when I tell stories about Utah. As circumstances dictate, this page will be updated as needed. Refer back often!



Addiction- Having done something more than once.

Calling- Church assignment given by inspiration, where inspiration is defined as "willing member meets vacant assignment".

Know- Believe or hope.

Elder- Someone younger and less mature than most of the adult population.

Equal- Not equal, but still sorta valuable as an unequal participant. Like an employee.

Fellowship- Befriending people for the sole purpose of changing their beliefs to align with your own.

U-Tard- A person born and raised in Utah and has little, or no idea how the rest of the world works. These people often believe that everything that happens in Utah is normal.

LDS- Latter Day Saints, or more commonly called Mormons outside of Utah. We'll be touching on their relevance frequently.

FLDS- Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. These people are very similar to modern day Mormons, but they continue to adhere to the early teachings of Joseph Smith, rather than change the church doctrine every time society evolves beyond it.

Almost Engaged- The state of a relationship at BYU that has lasted longer than 3 weeks.

Bridle Your Passions- Have none.

Funeral Potatoes- Potatoes laden with so much fat they're likely to cause a funeral.

Guardians of Virtue- Anyone with a still-intact hymen.

Inactive- A person who no longer goes to church and skillfully dodges phone calls and in person visits.

Ward- Your localized church congregation. Basically, your neighborhood. Also commonly referred to as "The group of people you are willing to hang out with".

Stake- A group of Wards.

Garments- Also referred to as "Temple Garments" or "magic Panties". These underwear serve as a source of protection from the evils of the world and are worn by the LDS as well as the FLDS.

The Zion Curtain- A partition that separates the patrons of a bar from the bartender and prevents drinks from being passed directly from the place where they are poured to the customer. Also known as "Sophomoric" or "Ridiculous".

3.2%- The maximum alcohol content allowed in Utah beer that is bought in a store, or poured from a keg.

Soaking- The art of having sex without thrusting. Some Mormons believe that they can circumvent church rules regarding sex if they simply insert the penis into the vagina, but do not move it while inside.

For comparison, let's see what the definition of intercourse is, shall we?

Intercourse- Sexual contact between people involving penetration, especially the insertion of a mans penis into a womans vagina.

Huh...weird, right?

Sunday- The day of the week that non-Mormons get everything to themselves.

Flip- The word that is commonly used to replace Fuck. Also see Fletch, Fudge, Frick and Freak.

Contention- Having an opinion.

Modest- For women, covering as much of their skin as possible. For men, wearing clothing.

Politically Correct- Lacking the virtue of intolerance.

Self Abuse- Self love.

Study- Read only approved materials, exhibit no intellectual curiosity.

The Worlds Definition- The actual definition.

World- The dangerous place that lies outside Utah.